+8 votes
356 views
in Fiction by (2.0k points)
Rose and David grows up to be 16.

Rose: Hey! David!

David: What do what now.

Rose: Um.. I was thinking maybe we can go to the prom later today

David: NOOO!!!

Rose: :( Please Come on

David: No

Rose: Fine ok... AHHHH!!!!

David: What's wrong!

Rose: Um.. look at the window.

David: ok... AHHHH ZOMBIE!!!!

Rose: LETS GET OUTTA HERE

David: ok.

 

They run in the woods and find there lost.

Rose: Um.. I think we're lost.

David: OF COURSE WE ARE LOST.

Rose: Ok... (Hears Grunting) RUN!!! HE IS COMING

David: Now were are we.

Rose:Hey!! There's a cabin!

David: Lets Go!!

Rose: (Knocks on Door) Hello?

Stranger: GET OF MY PROPERTY!!!!

David: We are lost please let us come in!!

Stranger: Fine,come in.

David: (opens door) Um... hi?

Stranger: Hey how have you been.

Rose: Good...

Stranger: By the way my name is Martha.

Rose: I Martha:)

David: (Hears Grunting) RUN!!!

Rose: We have to go bye!!

 

They run from the house and they run into Zombie Josh

Zombie Josh: GRUNT GRUNT

David: AHHH Rose you have a pocket knife.

Rose: No I CANT KILL HIM NO!!!!

David: You have to or I will.

Rose: I will not!!

David: YOU HAVE TO!!

Zombie Josh: (Runs at rose) GRUNT GRUNT!!!!

 

TO BE CONTINUED!!



2 Answers

0 votes
by (134k points)
I think you're doing quite well for a beginner. I have to agree that it's going a bit fast for my taste, but it's not bad. As I said, it's just my taste. Also, just confirming that Rose & David are siblings? Because I wasn't quite sure if you meant to have siblings going to prom together, that sounds a bit awkward. Anyway, my last thing is that maybe the interaction between Rose, David, and the Stranger/Martha could be tweaked. It just feels a bit rusty. Don't feel bad about my tips. Everyone has flaws. When I write, I always have to read over my previous writing to make sure my details are accurate. You're doing great. :)
by (2.0k points)
Yes they are siblings sorry forgot to put that in my story,sorry.
0 votes
by (185k points)
I love how you express the suspense and feeling. However, like kitten5678 said, I think you could make the plot a bit more clearer. First the plot was about Rose's coma, then, somehow ice cream, and then zombies? Your sequence could e a little bit better. And also, writing emojis is for texting and real life conversations. Not for stories like these. Although it was funny and good, you should express the emoji a different way so it will look professional. I also think the story's going to fast. Like we're only at part four and they're being attacked by zombies. You could've detailed on the coma topic a bit more. Also, proper story language and punctuation is needed. You also need a theme foreshadowing in the story. Overall, I think this story is great, but would be even greater if you had a proper plot, timeline, sequence, and language. I think these links may be able to help you.

http://www.aaronshep.com/youngauthor/elements.html

http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative1/shortstory/

http://thewritepractice.com/write-story/

I have a lot of problems with these, too. :)



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