Sometimes I look back at what made me and what the other reactions were - why there was never hand to grab me when I felt lost.
I remember it - sitting on my floor - yelling. Yelling because it just was too much. I didn't know what was happening to me, I mean I was only ten, and it's been happening for a year. What was I suppose to do?
Now I understand what it is, it doesn't hurt as bad - it doesn't feel uncureable.
Thinking this is how God made me - programed everyone to feel this way - programed me to be sensitive. My heart was heavy, my shoulders leaned back so I could feel the negativity give in - the relief.
Of course ... Now, when I look back, my childhood was perfect ... It only made me realize all this work to be wasted on someone who wasn't capable of feeling it - but that void that echoed. All of it was wasted.
I never got sunlight. I may have had this depression because of my lack of sunlight, but it could be a lie. Because what I remember is that I didn't know what I was feeling - yeah, now it's slow, but all I wanted then was the relief.
Maybe my dad thought my yelling and anger was annoying - he didn't know what was going on in my head, the fact I couldn't handle it anymore, even if I was calling out.
Everything seemed grey, a pure waste of money I was, and maybe if I didn't have such a great childhood, then maybe I could have a reason for feeling this way.
I'm not healthy though.
I barely eat anymore, it's too hard. And I remember when I was nine, I would try starving myself because I didn't like how I was. And at the same time, I eat everything now. It seems like a relief from my stress.
The bleakness is just dead.
I can't find myself - like I'm stuck in these characters I have as a persona, because I can't find myself. IM this child, then I'm me. Or what I think is me. Idk anymore.
Dear Nate,
Thank you for making me understanding what I was feeling. I owe you my life because without you, I would not have one. And understanding is the only thing we need.
Dear Lord,
Thank you.
Goodbye.
