update: its only getting worse, but not with that, just with me in general. ive had a really big reality check, and it only made me realize what im truely dealing with. my parents are mad at me becuz of school and stuff, and etc, i mean reality checks are harsh. im not sure i needed one yet, because everything is now sad and depressing, but now at least i know myself better. and something that at least i will have to be forced to overcome in the future, but it feels harsher then that. rn im just bored, and i just do school, but my mind just needs a distraction. a really big one. idk, i dont get the ppint in anything really, to breath, to move, and my parents meet it out to be worse then it is, "worse." which either way makes me less motivated, and more depressed. and more like life doesnt matter. but i do not regret having bad grades in school, becuz the real reason why is because if i had good grades in school, then y parents would completely ignore my mental struggles, and even more. they still ignore my mental struggles, and dont understand, at least they admit they dont understand but the problem is that they dont try to understand whatsoever. like, my mom just screams at me and says i dont trust her with anythng and this is the exact reason, because uses my pain against me in arguments and the end of the day i feel like i want to die even more, like i just want the relief of the pain. because i dont want to be used, and i don't want my pains to be exposed, because she doesnt realize i dont like being vunreable and i dont like having her know what struggles me and use it against me. i said an insight one time, and she uses it against me all the time, and it doesnt hurt when she doesnt know whats going on to me, it really doesnt, because i have nothing to be used for or anything. like she completely thinks its me who needs to change and open up for her, but i would if she wouldnt abuse my vunerability. thats all she does, is say i need to give in and then repeatingly abuse that part of me like im some toy, like she ignores the fact that shes the one who needs to change, well that part of her at least. becuz thats all she cares about, me telling her the "truth" and whenever i do she takes that and exposes it. like my bare skin left to the chemicals and toxins. and that hurts, so i dont want that to happen. i want to open up too, but i know whats going to happen to me, all becuz of her and the way she takes it. and if i feel depressed, or even if i say i want to die, shell say "just get over it and its a phase" cuz first off thats what my aunt said. that it was a phase. and thats what i thought too, three years ago. and even now i tell myself that, but something needs to change for it to go away and i cant do that by myself. cuz whatever i do im told to do it by myself. ugh.
