I'm in a bit of a situation, and hello again :D (mini update?)

Question

Hey you guys! It has been a while! How's life been?

I've been well! I've been really focusing on cheer and school lately, and I have a 4.0 GPA and have been nominated for a National Honors Society award! Cheer just ended, and the boys basketball team made it pretty far into state! I am most likely going to be co-captain this summer, so woot woot! :D

Also, I'm totally over Tom. He's a little rat who can suck my toes :D If his name isn't Wilbur Soot, I don't want him lol.

So, here's my situation...

I hang out with my brother and a group of boys. One of the girls on cheer is dating one of these boys (mind you, they are all one year younger than me), and I ADORE her. She's so sweet and funny, and we are both bases together as we work really well (physically).

Anyways, her boyfriend (we will call him Dan) and I share a class together. He's asked for my number multiple times so I can send him assignments, but he has a bad reputation for *sending stuff* to girls, so I've been saying no. I gave in a couple days ago for an assignment, but even after I sent the assignment, he still kept talking to me, even when I tried to end the conversation, too. It's whatever, we casually talk for a bit, but then I tell him I gotta go and then just leave him on read.

Next day.

He texts me again and starts up a slightly uncomfy conversation, saying I need to have more "fun" and such. I kept shooting everything down, but (this sounds pick me lol) I'm too nice to be rude, so I was still being nice about everything. And I've been told a couple times that guys think I am flirting with them when I do so.

Keep in mind, both these convos were late in the evening.

I feel bad talking with him and having him talk to me the way he does. I love his gf, because she's my friend, and I don't want to completely shut him out, but I would NEVER be interested in dating him, and I don't want to tell him I'm not interested and then have him say that's not what he was doing. Do I tell his girlfriend? Help me out here, ahaha!!

Answer 1

The short version:

This is not tough. Block him AND let his girlfriend read your entire message thread with him.

The more detailed, be-honest-with-yourself version:

Listen, sis. There are some things you need to know. 

1. "Dan" is probably not a creep; he's probably an ordinary adolescent boy with a severe lack of fatherly influence in his life (whether his dad's around or not). However, he's acting like a creep, and both he and his girlfriend need to be aware of that so it can be corrected before something bad happens. If we had some way of checking, we would probably find this to be the case with 97% of the guys we find just walking around the place. Many of them will encounter some altering event that causes them to grow the heck up sometime before they're 26, but some still won't then. The point is: the younger the age group, the more difficult it is for you to sort out the good men in the making from the losers looking for a a life to help ruin. The older the men are, the more obvious it becomes who is worth your time. Here's the most boring part of all: the really good men...don't have time to chat you up all day because they have things to do (like a job). So what do you do with this information? You stay out of trouble, give the guys some room to grow up,  and don't let the noisy losers distract YOU from growing up yourself either.
2. Blocking him. He won't stop talking when you try to end the conversation, there is no valid need for him to be able to message you, and he supposedly has a girlfriend. That is reason enough to get blocked --nothing else is needed. Here's the "be-honest-with-yourself" part: ask yourself if the real reason you don't want to block him is that you "don't want to be mean," or if it's actually that you enjoy the attention and don't want to give it up and/or you are feeling cowardly about that fact that you'll probably have to see this person for some short time and don't have the confidence in-person to stand by your correct decision to block him. 
3. Sharing the messages with his girlfriend. If either boyfriend or girlfriend is chatting up other people in their spare time, the other person has the right to know about it. If they already know about it, and that's just the kind of relationship they have, that's weird and unhealthy, but more power to them. Stay away. In this case, the girlfriend most likely does not know about it, and the longer you go without telling her, the worse it reflects on you. So get that done asap, and apologize for not bringing it up sooner. Here's another "be-honest-with-yourself" moment. If you do not want to show her the message conversation that you had with him or you are tempted to cherry-pick and delete some of the messages before you show her, then you're already admitting to yourself that you've made a mistake somewhere. That needs to get dealt with, because things like that get worse over time, not better.
4. Not wanting to be mean. Lastly, we've got the whole "not wanting to be mean," "people think I'm flirting sometimes.." This is the least fun one to deal with...because the world is just nicer when people are nice (mind blown, right?), and it would be nicest if you could just be "nice" and not worry about it. Unfortunately, it's not quite that simple. In the same way that some people in sweatpants and a t-shirt can be at least as attractive as another person is with the full outfit and makeup, it's also true that some people's "just being nice" is the same as another person's medium-level flirting behavior.  If you're person number one in both of those examples it only amplifies the effect of the second example.  You might think, "well, it's not MY fault that I'm that way."  Maybe not.. but something does not have to be your fault to be your responsibility..  This is one of those things where the responsibility has to be shared between yourself and anyone you interact with. You have to adjust the way you allow yourself to interact with a person based on how well you know them, to the extent that it's reasonable --but there is only so much you can do to get people to take a hint; at some ambiguous point, it becomes their responsibility to understand that people are different, and "nice" does not equal "flirting." If more people would just be nice, then maybe it wouldn't come as such a shock to people that they instantly assume it's some kind of amorous affection. All that said, you need to keep yourself honest about when you're actually trying to be nice and when you are just enjoying the attention you get from people. It can make you feel valuable and in charge until things don't go so well and you realize how little control you had the whole time. 

Well, I hope you enjoy reading.

Really though, kindly tell the truth (starting with yourself) and don't be afraid of addressing uncomfortable things, and eventually you'll find that trouble is more afraid of you than you are of trouble, and you will reveal yourself to be someone that can be relied upon, which is the only real kind of friend there is. 

I truly hope you have a great week.

Comments

Wow! This is just... Wow. Honestly, I've never seen such an intelligent response on here in a while. But, there are a few things...

1.) Dan's dad is around (I'm actually the one who's dad left lol), but his daddy's got money  Yes, it's a stereotype of the late 90's, but it's true. And he's known for being like this among lots of the girls. And Idk, but getting a girl to try and do sketchy stuff with you and go outside her moral boundaries after she has said no is a little creepy in my book. But Ig I suppose you could totally be right about him. I mean, (I'm assuming by your name) you're the guy, after all.

And I 100% agree with the "don't have time to chat you up all day" thing. My last bf was like that (I mean he had way to much time on his hands) and he would constantly gaslight me because I was busy and wouldn't always respond. Okay, I'm trailing, but I totally agree and get that. 

2.) It's a cliche for teenage girls to just block guys out of the blue, even when they're totally respectful. And they respond "Idk, I just felt like it." I don't want to come across as that person. I mean, I haven't responded to any of his messages since I posted this, and hopefully it's close enough to blocking him (I haven't opened them either). 

And no, it's not for attention. I've had my fair share of that, and quite frankly I don't really want any attention from this guy outside of school. 

Speaking of, we see a lot of each other at school. We have classes together where we sit near each other, I see him at sports and games, and we both hang out in the same group of people during break. Plus, he's the type that would make a huge deal to everyone if I blocked him, and then they would press me into telling them why I did. I mean, I'll probably end up doing it, but I'm dreading it. 

3.) I would love to show his gf, but then I start thinking to myself, "what if I'm just interpreting it the wrong way? What if he just has a flirty personality?" She's a great friend of mine, and even if I showed her she would distance herself from me. Which I don't totally blame her, because I've done it at one point, but what if it is truly nothing? 

I've deleted the actual messages but I have screen shots. Right now, things have been slow after I haven't responded. 

4.) Again, I swear I'm not in it for attention. Ofc it's nice, I'll admit, but it's awkward 'cause Ik I'll never have feelings for this person and I could never stand his personality as anything else but a friend. 

I get what you're saying in this paragraph, but now I'm not quite sure how to put it into action. Ya get what I'm saying?

Thank you, I did enjoy reading it! I hope to see more of you on KT (no idea how old are you and if you'll stick around)! I hope you have a lovely rest of your week. 

Thanks again! :)

Answer 2

block dan, show his GF maybe ask ur parents for help on what to do

Answer 3

Options

1. Block Dan
2. Tell his GF
3. Ask his GF what to do

Choice is yours

Answer 4

hola! i knw ur name!

Comments

Huh?

Answer 5

Block Dan right now.

I’m not great at crush advice, so I can’t really help you there. Sorry.

Comments

By the way, welcome back, fellow Washingtonian! (You’re still living in Washington, right?)

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Yes ma'am! It's good to see ya! :p

Answer 6

Dang girl that juicy! I've missed you!

I personally would just stop texting him say NO NO NO!! And u might think it's rude but I promise you he won't! If he's "that kind of guy" he'll know this is" I'm not interested in you" and if he's not he's not and questions you just give an exuse! Look I've been in your shoes (suprise ik ik) but just let it clear your not interested. And maybe say something like " hey I was talking to your gf and blah blah blah" Just make him know you got his gf number and her ear and you will be willing to spill anything that happens!

Hope this helps!

Answer 7

Yeah maybe ask the girlfriend what to do about it since it's her bf!!

Anyway my life's been pretty boring recently! I'm glad you're back to give us a little update!