You probably dont wanna read this post. I can’t find my journal anywhere and I’m afraid my sister stole it which is very very concerning considering it’s contents so be warned that this won’t be much different that those frightening entries 
WARNING: SENSITIVE TOPICS, TRIGGER WARNING
My life recently has just been so much and theres just been a lot on my mind. Even ssome stuff that I don’t have to worry or think about but I just kinda do I guess.
I’ve been finding myself looking up colleges and trying to figure out what I’ll major in and I’m not even in high school. Also been researching living costs and my plans for a home in 10-ish years and what it might cost for a pet or what job I should get to make decent money for my plan in a small house. I’ve been really enjoying it until I realized my entire plan is about how I’m gonna get away from my entire life and start fresh
That’s when it hit me like “Wait. I’m literally trying to start now just so I can have a decent future.”
My piggy bank I have been thinking about as a literal “college fund” in some ways.
And I like the idea of having a good future to look forward too
BUT IT IS LITERALLY BECAUSE I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO GET OUT OF MY DUMPSTER FIRE LIFE
Alright so I mean I guess it isn’t all bad but it hasn’t been amazing really. That is something I really wanna talk about.
I am incredibly grateful that I manage to have a home and my mother has a job and etc etc. I guess everyone has a dream though that you could be richer, right?… Um… I guess I do. And I have my reasons I guess,
My mom needs a better job because at this point we barely have enough money from her job to pay all the bills and for groceries.
But I’m starting not to trust my mom.
She’s always been a hoarder type and really enjoys shopping. And she keeps telling me like “I only spent $30 and I won’t do it again! It was just so I could get this really cool ___.”
She also keeps having to take days off of work (from us being sick or having appointments and also somehow she keeps getting ear infections or whatever out of the blue which is starting to get kind of suspicious. She’s gone to the E.R. like 3 times this past 2 months..,) which lowers her paycheck I will not be surprised if one day we will not have enough money to pay rent or for groceries.
I’m also feeling way more worried because my mom can be so disorganized. Irresponsible. I’m scared she’s going to forget to lock the door or the car and I’m scared she’ll forget to pay bills. I’m scared she’ll forget about important dates and continue to remind her. And honestly I remind her of a lot of stuff because she does constantly forget stuff.
“Remember your phone, mom!”
“Oh you’re right I don’t have it yet- OH LOOK ALSO MY KEYS!”
I don’t even know anymore
She can get stuff done she just needs help with it.
My family is also aware of this and she’s kind of the um… laughingstock of everyone.
It makes me so angry that everyone complains about her and then laughs about her. It also embarrasses me. And I’m so tired of the fact that everything they complain about is actually valid and true.
My mom can be organized she’s just kind of…. bad at it??
She’s also got mental health issues and ADHD (WHICH ALSO EXPLAINS THE DISORGANIZATION-) and she had a panic attack last week.
I guess it’s not that I don’t trust her as much as I don’t know if she’s capable of some stuff without having issues. And I feel bad she has to do so much for us. So I try to help.
Then theres the topic of my dad.
I hate him.
I absolutely hate him.
My father is trying to push his way into my life.
Up until I was like 3 he was and then he started being a little bit more distant. When I turned 10 was about the time when it felt less like he was around and my parents began fighting. At 11 we moved and my father basically hid in his room all day. And left my mother to do everything. And they fought a lot. Then we moved from this man I barely knew. And guess what? Now suddenly I’m supposed to know who he is and love him dearly!
You know what else? SUDDENLY ALL THE TRAUMA HES GIVEN ME AND HIS CONTROLLING ATITUDE AND HIS GUILT TRIPPING IS SUPPOSED FORGIVEN! SUDDENLY HE HIDES HIS HORRIBLE PERSONALITY AND MAKES IT SEEM GOOD IN FRONT OF HIS CHILDREN BUT I KNOW THE FURY BEHIND HIS FAKE EYES CAN SO EASILY LASH OUT LIKE IT ALWAYS DOES AT MY POOR BROKEN MOTHER AND I KNOW THE HORRIFIC VERSION OF HIM BURNING INSIDR HIM CAN COME OUT AT ANY SECOND BUT I GUESS SUDDENLY IM SUPPOSED TO PRETEND ITS NOT THERE AND HES THE LOVING MAN HE PRETENDS HE IS!
Once upon a time my father broke a door and screamed at my mother while my siblings and I were in the house while I had my phone in my hand ready to dial 911.
Once upon a time I was fed up with my brother when I was only 7 and threatened him with a punch I never would actually do and my dad picked me up by my neck, marched up the stairs with me up high, I think I passed out halfway up, threw me onto the floor and starting screaming at me then I remember waking from hearing the thud to the floor and my head being in pain and he screamed at me asking me why i wasnt up so i got up wailing telling him I didnt hear him because i flipping passed out and he continued screaming at me and sent me to my room and finally I had screen time convicted from me for a week (which is literally the only sensible part of all of this.)
And once upon a time he used to spank me and, yeah, maybe I deserved it, but thinking back on it, that punishment was given to me for reasons it probably shouldn’t have.
I might actually have PTSD from this man.
This man who suddenly needs to be my father.
YOU SCARE ME SO BAD.
IM SO SCARED OF YOU.
AT ANY MOMENT YOU COULD THROW ME TO THE FLOOR LIKE YOU DID WHEN I WAS YOUNG.
AT ANY MOMENT YOU COULD PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME LIKE YOU ALMOST DID TO MY MOTHER AND YOU DID WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
They say that the most dangerous people can be the people who act like they love you the most.
I’m so scared.
I don’t want to live with my dad this summer.
I don’t want to talk to him.
I don’t want to be near him.
And yet I’m still scared I’ll hurt his feelings or that he’s actually a changed man now or that he always has good intentions and I’ll just break his heart.
But he keeps trying to gain control.
When I live with him I don’t know if I’ll manage to have very much freedom.
He tries to control when I call him at night and guilt trips me into it (“I just wanna see your face every night is all!” “I mean you’re my kid”)
How can I stop him from doing that with every aspect of my life?
I’m also filled with hatred for him because of his delusional actions and thoughts.
He just bought a summer home.
In California.
It is a 3 bedroom 2 bath with a massive backyard and etc etc.
HE CAN AFFORD A HOME IN CALIFORNIA LIKE THAT?!
WERE LIVING IN A SMALL APARTMENT RIGHT NOW WITH A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY AND HE CAN AFFORD A LITERAL MASSIVE HOME IN CALIFORNIA!?
AND HE BARELY PAYS MY MOM ANYTHING FOR CHILD SUPPORT?!!
MY FAMILY COULD BE LIVING IN AN ACTUAL HOME RIGHT NOW IF HE PAID US ENOUGH MONEY BUT NO, HES LITERALLY LIVING IN LUXURY
MY DAD CAN AFFORD TO FLY OUT AND VISIT US EVERY MONTH BUT HE “CANT AFFORD” TO GIVE ENOUGH MONEY TO US
I CANT EVEN CALL YOU MY DAD.
I LITERALLY DONT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE.
IF I HAD THE COURAGE TO SAY THAT I WOULD.
I HATE YOU.
YOU NEED TO CHANGE EVERTHING ABOUT YOU.
You know what else? He is bringing us to my grandmas for two weeks. I love my grandma and her family and all but they are the most annoying people on the planet. Stuck up, snobby, and yet they wont speak their mind. Sexist. I know they can be racist. Heavily mormon, some of their morals are horrible. I’m a girl, nobody will stick up for me anymore because now they consider me more of a woman so they don’t think I’m worth it (as compared to being young and them caring for me. I’m going to begin being expecting to care for the men in my family as I already have been. My grandma is fully Republican which only causes issues for me because she really pushes those opinions as subtly as she can and I disagree, and she believes Covid-19 was fake WHICH IS VERY CONFUSING GRANDMA. And her entire family just loveeeeees to think about me joining the church. Ah, yes, if they talk about baptism, lets side-eye the non-mormon child and family member! Ah yes, I shall expect my curious young cousins to ask me questions about why I’m not in the church in front of my entire family (with good intentions though, they don’t know what they’re doing)!
Oh my god.
I pretty much got out every horrid thing on my mind.
I’m so excited to prepare mysef for high school and college and get away from my family and like I don’t know start over. Have a decent life. Maybe I’ll move to Spain. I’m learning Spanish with a purpose. ¡España es una idea muy divertida!!! Oh yeah, and I’ve been texting my crush a lot recently and our convos have been getting less robotic and more fun and chatty!! Eeeeee! And you know the planning thing I mentioned? Yes, one day I’m gonna own a house with at least a bachelors degree in music or psychology and be something like a music therapist with a dog and hopefully a wife or partner or husband and hope to have kids and have actual moolah and leave the depths of my family in just a better life.
That’s a plan I’ve already begun unfolding.
And it’s a plan I’ve already started.
