Psy, I think that God is speaking to you, I think he is calling you, the things you feel is your conscience speaking and telling you that you should dig deeper, try harder. Here is my advice when you pray think and say " God show me that you care, shape me into the vessel that I am ment to be. psy, I think you know God exists, that he is slowly shaping you. Paintings are darn right ugly when they are in there first layers so is God plane because you know what the best way to learn is to go thru it yourself. The lord picks up broken pieces and makes them better and prettier then they ever where. You will not find rest until you know for sure that you have God, the only real peace.