Hey everyone :)
I just wanted to know if this is normal and if anyone else experiences this. I am pretty sure that I suffer from facial and body dysmorphia, but I've never been officially medically diagnosed by a doctor.
Basically, whenever I see my face/body in photos or in the mirror, I cringe at myself. I get intense anxiety, panic, hatred for myself, and a sense of dread.
I'm heading into 7th grade in a few weeks, and I've had this sort of facial hatred since I was in 5th grade. When I was in 5th grade, COVID was at its peak. We all had to wear masks and everyone was constantly paranoid. All the other kids complained about wearing masks, but I liked mine. With the mask on, I could actually stand to look at myself in the mirror. I could actually feel comfortable in pictures with my mask up. Even when the school announced that we didn't have to wear our masks anymore, I kept mine on. Kids taunted me for it, but I was only comfortable when you couldn't see my face. When I couldn't see my face. At lunch, I would pull my mask down, take a bite of food, and put the mask back up. I was paranoid of any of my friends seeing my face because me seeing my face gave me such panic, and I assumed it would for them as well.
I don't know if this is normal. I hate makeup, but during school I try to wear some because it makes me look better. Or at least I think. When I stare at my face for long periods of time, I get a very warped perception of it. Like I know what it looks like, but at the same time I don't.
For example, this morning I was getting in my Ranboo cosplay, and I looked myself in the mirror and for the first time in years I was actually happy with how I looked. I have a facemask and my hair covers my eyes with the cosplay, so my face is 99% hidden. If I were faceless all the time, I would be so much happier. I'm also trans, and I get INTENSE (like seriously intense) gender envy when it comes to guys. It could literally be any guy, I don't care.
I don't know if this is normal. I also suffer from depression, SH, anxiety, social anxiety, and maybe mild autism (not sure), if that helps narrow it down.
Thanks for reading my long rant xD.
- Dino/Wil/Wilbur (he/they/xe)
