Whats wrong with me | Dino's Blog

Question

*contains mentions of abusive parents and environments, sh, and mental breakdowns*

So my mom mentally and emotionally abuses me. She picked me up from my dads half an hour ago and we immedietely started arguing. She threatens to take my phone away, wish is the only way I can talk to my dad, and says she's done with my behavior, even though I did nothing.

I had a friend over a while ago, and we were joking around so she wrote some things on the wall of the basement that I can't really say here. My mom told me that I could draw/paint whatever I wanted on the wall, so I told my friend it was okay.

Fast forward to today, when my mom screams at me and yells for me to tell her what it means, to which I try to explain that its a joke between my friend group and that my friend wrote it, but she gives me no time to explain as she keeps screaming at me. She demands I paint over the wall and apologize, to which I promise I will do both. We go to the basement and she yells at me for getting paint on the rug THAT SHE BOUGHT SPECIFICALLY SO I COULD USE IT AS A PLACE TO PUT PAINT SO I DIDNT GET IT ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE BASEMENT.

So I just break down and start crying. I've been dealing with her abuse for a year now and I just can't anymore. I scream for her to leave me alone. She pauses, stares at me, and says "why are you crying? Are you that hormonal and grumpy? I told you not to get paint there and you did. that's your fault!".

She bought the rugs so I COULD get paint there instead of the rest of the basement.

So I run to my room and all my trauma and everything shes ever told me just shoved itself into my brain and I start to SH. It hurts so badly. I just want a nice relationship with her but she just doesnt let me have it. She's always victimizing herself and never lets me explain. Whenever she asks me to explain something, she screams at me and makes me feel bad and makes herself the victim in the situation. I always apologize and promise to do something about it but she doesn't care.

So she comes to my door and starts scolding me again. Asking me why im crying, as if she doesn't already know. I scream for her to go away and she says " fine. But you had better be down here within a few minutes and clean up the wall. We can collaborate on it. No excuses".

I am totally ok with that and tell her through my tears that I will and that I just need a minute or two to clear my head. She can clearly tell im crying since I am literally choking on my words but she says, in literally the most horrid tone, "A minute? No no no, I know that lie! A minute is always an hour with you. Get down here, there is no excuse. Just because you are hormonal and emotional doesn't mean you have any excuses. You caused this."

I called her a narcissist and she says "you haven't seen a narcissist. You don't even know what that means"

I feel like I am in the wrong, but I don't know. I want to stop cutting myself but every time life gets better for me, like it did this morning, she ruins it.

I am sorry to vent like this. I try to keep my posts lighthearted and fun for everyone but this is the worst pain I've ever felt. Can anyone help or give some advice?

Thanks.

- Dino (he/they)

Answer 1

Hi. This is anonymous from the post where I commented about SH thoughts. Me, Wn.

This is hard. Tell someone. A trusted adult. Does your dad know about this? Because this is something that can't be ignored, that you can't just change the subject of.

Maybe have a friend pick you up when you have to leave this. An emoji or code word that lets them know to be there?

I know it's hard. Just today I was told to stop crying because I was causing a scene and that I was giving attitude when I was upset. Meanwhile, my parents were talking to me like a teenager that thinks it's okay and cool and funny to be rude.

And you may not have A the ability to talk to someone in real life.

But you can talk to me. <3

Comments

Im glad im not alone in this and I am very sorry you have to go through that. You are very strong :)

My dad doesnt know about this recent incident yet but I am planning on calling him and telling him tomorrow morning. The friend thing is a good idea, I may try that if things keep escalating.

I can't even tell you how sorry I am about what your parents did. There is no excuse for that. Crying is valid and I am tired of people saying that "oh you shouldnt be crying, don't cause a scene". Obviously we aren't trying to cause anything, but sometimes it just happens. You are real and you matter :))

I have the ability to talk to a few of my friends, many of whom suffer or know people who suffer from SH and depression, so I may consult them. I've only recently started to SH and it scares me.

I would love to talk to you and I am very glad we are friends <3

- Dino (he/they)

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<3

Okay, that's good. And yeah, if things escalate, this might help.

Thank you so much. These words are amazing things to hear right now.

Make sure to tell a friend that you trust, if you haven't already said anything. Maybe one of them can help you get out of this situation. Something like that. You are not alone in this, remember that.

<3 You can talk to me at any time.

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“oh you shouldnt be crying, don’t cause a scene”

Happened to me before. That’s why I don’t cry out loud (or at all much).

Answer 2

First of all, your mother doesn’t deserve you as her child. Like the saying goes, “All kids deserve a parent, but not all parents deserve a kid.”

Does your dad do this as much as your mom? Have you tried telling people about the abuse? Because it is not okay. She needs to be reported. You have to tell someone.

Second- ….don’t…I’d say please don’t cut yourself, but I’d be a hypocrite. I don’t want you to cut yourself. 

You seriously need to tell someone about ALL of this. It all needs to be fixed, you don’t deserve any of this.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with all this poop. If you ever need me us vent to, we’re here. I’m here. Please feel free, it isn’t good to bottle up emotions.

Answer 3

Your mother doesn't deserve the attention she gets to the point where you hurt yourself. Remember that. It only shows her that you care.

She doesn't deserve you, and if she can't get that through her dumb head, then you should just walk out the door. There's no excuse for her being that way.

I'm just being blunt. Stop hurting yourself. It never makes things better. Like I said before, it only makes her think that you care enough to even think about hurting yourself for her attention.

I'm sorry if this doesn't sound compassionate. I wasn't in a compassionate mood when I finished reading this.

-Nobi

Answer 4

Report her to the child abuse helpline.

Answer 5

First of all, YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG! YOU NEVER ARE! IT’S YOUR MOM!

Secondly, do you have a therapist or school counselor? If so, you could vent to them. You can also vent to us.

Comments

Unfortunately, I don't have a counselor or therapist, but I have my dad and I can always just text or call him whenever I need to. I also have you guys and its really good that I do, you all are like family to me. I really appreciate your advice! Ty :)

- Dino (he/they)

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Okay!

And you’re welcome!